


Together We Go

by GasOnMyHands



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Body Image, Brief use of needles, Coming Out, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Needles, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, trans!josh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-30 10:52:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6420871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GasOnMyHands/pseuds/GasOnMyHands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm bad a descriptions ok: trans Josh, what more do you need bro?</p><p>Josh would have happily gone his whole life without having to tell anyone he was Trans, but being in a band... it complicates things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They were wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I'll add tags and trigger warnings as chapters are uploaded.
> 
> Un-Beta'd, any mistakes are entirely my own.

Josh was hitting his drums really hard. This was normal for him, of course. With every show came a certain amount of fear and anxiety, which Josh took out on his drums. Tyler knew that, the fans knew that, and it worked for everyone, everyone respected it. One time, Josh even hit so hard that he broke the kick-drum pad. Tyler had been really happy about that. But, Josh had a different source of anxiety tonight. He was still anxious about the show, that could never be overdriven, but he was also anxious about what would happen after the show. He had a plan for after the show, and he wouldn’t let anxiety cloud his mind and get in the way this time. So he hit his drum really really hard.

Tyler was watching Josh over on his high-rise, and noticing how, as the show went on, Josh was hitting his drums harder and harder. Normally, this wouldn’t mean anything really, but Tyler knew Josh pretty well by now, he liked to think. Tyler knew the difference between anxious drumming and happy drumming. With both, Josh hit really hard, so much that just about everything else on their soundboard had to be nearly twice as loud. But anxious drumming usually happened at the start of the show, while happy drumming faded in towards the end, and especially at Trees. This time, Josh’s drumming seemed to be all anxiety, so naturally, Tyler was worried about his friend. He decided to ask him about it after the show, and to try and help with whatever it was bothering him.

Josh and Tyler clambered off their platforms and back onto the stage. The entire venue was covered in red and white confetti, Josh could see it sticking to the sweaty people in the pit, and could feel some sticking to him as well. Almost in sync with each other, Tyler and Josh put the arms not wrapped tight around the other’s shoulder up in the air, and bowed deeply to the crowd. They came back up, and Tyler spoke into the microphone, “We are twenty one pilots and so are you, thank you so much.” Josh practically ran off stage after that, Tyler following closely behind. Josh knew that Tyler could tell something was up.

  
Josh walked very quickly towards their dressing room, knowing Tyler was right on his heels, and quite suddenly, he was overwhelmed and unable to handle the impeding conversation. He made a sharp turn at the last minute into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

“Josh?” Tyler called through the door, “You ok?” Josh leaned on the sink and stared into the mirror trying to collect himself, taking in the sweat streaking down his face.

“Yeah, I’ll be out in minute!” He called back, but his voice shook, and Tyler immediately opened the door, too worried to be concerned about privacy.

“Josh-“ Tyler began, but he took one look at the fear in Josh’s eyes reflected in the small mirror and stopped. Tyler didn’t understand the reason, but Josh was not ok, and that was not ok with Tyler.

“Josh, dude, what’s up?” Tyler asked softly. He wanted to grab Josh and hug him tightly, but he knew Josh wasn’t a fan of hugs, so he held his distance, and tried to convey his concern through his eyes. Josh dropped his head and squeezed his eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths. Then, quite quickly in contrast to his previous movements, he spun around and began to fiddle with his hands in front of him, still looking at the floor.

“I- I have to tell you something…” Josh said, almost too quiet to hear.

“Ok, do you want to go into the dressing room?” Tyler asked. He didn’t know what to think, and was a little afraid of what Josh might tell him. Was he leaving the band? Was he sick? Was someone they knew sick? Tyler shook himself out of these thoughts when he saw Josh nod jerkily, and they both exited the one stall bathroom, not caring what anyone who saw thought. They were too wrapped up in their own heads.

Tyler sat down on the small, ratty couch and Josh began to pace, not yet saying anything. Tyler let him be for about a minute before prompting him again.

“Josh…?”

Josh stopped pacing and jerked his head up quickly, “Ok, so there’s this thing-“ He stopped again, “Um, well, no, that’s not- ugh.” Josh began to pace again. Tyler grabbed Josh’s wrist as he came by and pulled him down onto the couch next to him.

“Josh, just say it ok, like a band-aid.” Tyler encouraged. Josh took another deep breath, and coughed a little.

“I- I’m trans.” He blurted, and immediately got back up and paced again.

“Um, ok. What… what does that mean?” Tyler asked, watching Josh with a confused expression.

“Uhh, it means, well. It means that I was born in a girl’s body, but, I’m a guy. I am, I’m a guy ok?” Josh explained, becoming a little frantic toward the end of the sentence.

“Josh, I think you need to sit down, ok?” Tyler replied, getting a little worried for his friend, who seemed to be breathing too fast. Josh nodded and fell down next to Tyler, putting his head in between his knees. Tyler made to rub his back, but Josh flinched away. They sat like that for a few minutes. Finally, Josh seemed to have calmed down enough to talk.

“Ok, so, explain this to me.” Tyler asked. Josh lifted himself up and took off his snapback, running his hands through his hair.

  
“When I was born, I had a girl’s body, so everyone thought I was a girl, right? I had a girl’s name and my mom put me in dresses and ponytails and everything. But, they were wrong, I’m not a girl, I’m n-“ Josh paused and ran his hands over his face, “I’m a guy, really, so, I’ve been doing some stuff to fix that, so that everyone knows I’m a guy.”

Tyler had never really heard of this before, despite growing up in the city. He took a minute to process all of this.  
“Ok, so, you’re not sick or anything?” Tyler finally asked. Josh breathed a quiet laugh.

“No, but, you don’t think I’m weird or anything?” Josh asked, a hesitant smile on his face.

“No, I mean, it makes sense to me, like you said, they were wrong. You’re Josh to me, and I honestly can’t see you as a girl, so, yeah, it’s cool.” Tyler confirmed. Josh’s smile began a grin and he huffed a laugh and wrapped Tyler up in a bear hug.

  
“Thank you man, I love you.” Josh said into Tyler’s shoulder.

“Lub yu too” Tyler’s words were muffled from being pressed against Josh. They separated, and Josh grew solemn again.

“So, the reason I told you at all, because believe me, if you could have never known, that would have been perfect, is because I haven’t um, gotten top surgery yet? That’s when they reshape my chest, so that I don’t have uh, breasts anymore, “ Josh breathed the word breasts, and quickly moved on, “and I was working on scheduling that finally with my doctor. I tried to wait a while because of this band, but I can’t anymore. So, yeah, we were working on that, and I found this really great surgeon, but, he’s really high demand for all kinds of stuff. And the only time I could get the surgery is in about a month. He’s in Columbus, and I’d have to go see him beforehand to work out details and afterwards for check-ins and stuff. So, I wouldn’t be able to finish this tour, so, yeah…” Josh ran through everything pretty fast, but trailed off at the end.

“Oh,” Tyler replied, a little bombarded with information. He couldn’t help but glance down at Josh’s seemingly flat chest, “do you really need it though?” He heard himself say, and immediately went red. Josh’s head snapped up, angry at first, then realizing what Tyler was confused about. He laughed a little.

“Oh, um, well see I wear this thing called a binder, it uh, flattens my chest so you can’t tell.” Josh explained. “See?” He lifted up his shirt a little, revealing the bottom of what looked like a stiff black crop top. He put his shirt back down. Tyler’s eyebrows scrunched together.

“Does it hurt?” Was his only response. Josh laughed yet again.

“No, I mean, it gets a little uncomfortable after a while, but no, it doesn’t hurt.” Josh explained, “You know, we’re getting off topic.”

“Oh! Yeah, um, well, I’m ok with that, I mean, this sounds pretty important to you-“

“It is.” Josh interjected.

“Ok, then, yeah, we can do that. We’ll have to let all the crew know, and, when do you need to be back in Columbus?” Tyler asked, already making arrangements in his head. Josh’s whole body seemed to sag in relief, and he grinned once more.  
“Thanks Tyler.”

“Of course, bro.”


	2. Not A Bad Thing

"You know, there were so many weird things about you that I had always been curious about, and now they make sense." Tyler mused to the bunk above him. Josh stuck is head out and glanced down to the curtained bunk below him. He tried to yank the curtain aside, but the angle was bad, finally Tyler did it for him, and stuck his head out as well.

"Like what?" Josh asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew. They hadn't yet talked about this since Josh had first explained, and it had been nearly a week. Not that it was awkward, just that it was really busy, organizing cutting the tour short and all.

"Like, you're always really secretive about your stuff, and I'm just realizing that I've never seen you with your shirt off which, dude, you're a drummer." Tyler chuckled. "And you don't like hugs, which either, 1: stands on its own, or 2: is because you didn't want me to feel that binder thing. Which?" Tyler inquired.

"Two." Josh replied, smiling a little.

"So does that mean we can hug now?" Tyler asked, lifting his head up and sounding hopeful. Josh full on grinned into his bicep.  
"Yeah, Tyler, we can hug now." He agreed, the smile audible in his voice. 

"Sick." Tyler responded, and Josh could hear a smile from him too. Josh saw a light from Tyler's bunk and heard a few tapping noises.

"What are you doing?" Josh asked, they really should both be trying to sleep, the sound check for their next show was early in the morning.

"Research." Tyler answered. "Hey, what did you mean when you said you'd been doing things to fix 'that'?"

"Well, so far all I've been able to do is take hormones, specifically testosterone, which like, I don't know, masculinizes me?" Josh sighed and ran a hand over head. "I've wanted to do a lot more, but I don't have the time."

"Because of the band?" Tyler bit his lip.

"Well, yeah, but it's ok, I like this enough that it's worth it." Josh reassured him.

"Ok..." Tyler replied, unsure.

"Dude, trust me, I would have said something a lot sooner if it was that big of an issue." Josh said, reaching down, searching for the other's hand. Tyler saw his hand waving around and grabbed it tight, and Josh squeezed right back. 

"Hey Tyler?" Josh said timidly after a moment.

"Yeah?" Tyler said through a yawn.

"Will you come to the first appointment with me?" Josh whispered. Tyler's head popped up once again.

"Really?" Josh nodded.

"It's just that I get really nervous about new doctors, and it'd help if someone I knew was there." He rambles quickly.

"Yeah, of course man." Tyler answered, squeezing Josh's hand once more before rolling back into the bunk. "Get some sleep ok? Last show tomorrow."

“Finally!” They heard muffled from Mark’s bunk across the bus.

\--

The last show seemed to end with an unfamiliar sadness. They had never had to cut a tour short before, and they both felt as though they were letting their fans down. Tyler had put an announcement on just about every social media they had, explaining that they had to pause due to medical reasons. (He didn’t specify who, or what.) Of course those who had bought tickets already would get a refund, and they planned to pick up the tour right where they left off as soon as possible. It was, unfortunately, the best they could do; their power was limited. 

Within a few hours, they had accumulated many get well wishes, and expressions of concern.

“Uh, Tyler, they think we’re dying. Maybe you should have been a little more specific?” Josh nudged Tyler as he stared at his phone, scrolling through comments. 

“Uh, whoops?” Tyler tried innocently. He grinned sideways at Josh, who just rolled his eyes in reply.

“I got it,” Josh stuck out his tongue as he typed, “there.” He turned the phone to Tyler.

“ ‘Thank you all for the concern, but don’t worry, I’m not dying.’ ” Tyler read aloud, “Ok, but now they know it’s you….”  
“Why does that matter?” Josh shrugged.

“I guess you’re right.” Tyler agreed.

Now, as they came off the stage for the last time for a while, Tyler and Josh looked at each other and they could both see that the other didn’t want to end so quickly. But they also both knew that it was necessary. They walked back to the cramped dressing room in silence, changing back into street clothes without a word. They both agreed beforehand that they would have to meet as many fans as they could that night, to sort of make up for it. This maybe wasn’t too well thought out.

Every kid they saw that night asked Josh if he was ok, and what was wrong, and will you be ok, and why, and how, and when, etc. They quickly were exhausted from thwarting questions, and ended up leaving sooner than planned. 

Once they were both back on the bus, and had started their journey back to Ohio, Josh got on his phone to try and avoid the despair that seemed to be looming over the two of them.

“Hey,” Tyler suddenly spoke, grabbing Josh’s attention as he took the phone from his hands.

“Hey, what are you-“

“Stop. No sulking, ok? Tonight was not a bad thing. Tonight was an awesome show, and we got to meet a lot of fans who really cared about us, and weren’t upset about the tour being cut short. And that’s how we’re gonna look at it, ok? It was a happy thing, not a bad thing,” Tyler instructed firmly, “Now come play Mario Cart with me.” Tyler shoved a remote in Josh’s hand and went to turn on the console.

Josh sat in shock for a minute, and slowly a smile crept onto his face, he looked down in fondness. Tyler knew him so well, he knew when he wasn’t feeling great, and how to fix it, and when to distract him. This time required all three, and Tyler had done just that. 

That night they stayed up until 4 AM playing video games, until finally John came out to tell them the shut up and go the fuck to sleep. 

They did.

Eventually.


	3. Awkward Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heck, it's been so long since I updated, whoops. I can't guarantee I'll be updating regularly, but I really will try to update more often. College is hectic, I make no promises.
> 
> Trigger warning for needles. I've put asterisks (**) at the beginning and end of the 2 mentions of needles.

Later that night, Josh wasn’t sure the time, he woke up. All he knew was it was past midnight, and still pitch black out, and he couldn’t figure out why he woke up, but he knew one thing: He had to pee. Josh rolled out of his bunk, trying to land softly, but ultimately failing. His feet thumped loudly against the carpet, and a sudden noise reacted in the back room. Like someone hurriedly putting a string instrument down. Well, not _like_ that, exactly that. Josh sighed. Tyler had probably only gotten 2, 3 hours of sleep before he got up to frantically scribble chords and lyrics. It was a frequent occurrence, but that wouldn’t stop Josh from trying to get him back to bed. The boy wasn’t right when he was overtired, it was unsettling for everyone.

Josh padded softly to the door, already cracked a bit, and peered in. None of the lights were on, but one of the windows was cracked just a tad at the bottom, letting in moonbeam, and, much stronger, the occasional flash of a light along the road. They were pretty close to home now, no more of the unlit, 2 lane highways.

“Hey ty,” Josh called softly. Tyler jumped a little, apparently not having noticed him in the door, despite the crash signaling his being awake earlier.

“Hi,” Tyler muttered distractedly, going back to his notebook. His pencil flew across the pages, no doubt pouring straight nonsense from his brain that Josh never understood, but that which Tyler could transform into amazing songs.

“Hey, not too much drums ok? I get tired, you know.” Josh tried to joke. Tyler huffed a laugh, but didn’t pause. Josh sighed, and at that Tyler looked up.

“Josh-“ He began to protest.

“No, Tyler, you need to sleep, ok? Get down all your ideas and thoughts, sure, but leave working them out until later. You won’t have forgotten it, it’s all right there, alright? We’re going home tomorrow, and I don’t know about you, but seeing my family is not nearly as enjoyable when all I want to do is collapse.” Josh stood firm, staring Tyler down. Tyler fidgeted for a moment, looking between to ukulele and Josh, before sighing and slumping down.

“Fine, just give me two more minutes.” Tyler conceded.

“Alright, I’m going to pee, when I come back, bed.” Josh stated, as though talking to a child. Though to be fair, a tired Tyler was a child in his own right.

When Josh came out of the bathroom, Tyler was already shuffling to his bunk, “I’m going, I’m going,” he muttered through a yawn. Josh stopped into the backroom to put away the ukulele and notebook, knowing Tyler hadn’t. Josh carefully placed the ukulele into its case, and picked up the notebook. Tyler had stuck his pencil in between the pages he’d been writing on, when Josh opened the notebook to remove it, he caught a glimpse of some chicken scratch thoughts.

_I don’t care what’s in your hair_

_I just wanna know what’s on your mind._

_I used to say I wanna die before I’m old_

_But because of you I might think twice._

\---------------------------------

**Tyler: Did u schedule ur appointment yet?**

**Josh: Yeah, next Thursday.**

**Tyler: Ok, ill pick u up then?**

**Josh: You don’t have to, I know you said you would, but if you wanna change your mind, that’s fine.**

**Tyler: Josh its ok, u need me there, I dont mind, besides, I wanna learn more bout this, & about u**

**Josh: ok, thanks, love ya bro.**

**Tyler: <3**

\---------------------------------

It was Wednesday night and Josh couldn’t sleep. Tyler would be at his house at 10 AM the next day, and it’s was 1 AM now. If Josh fell asleep now he could get 6 hours of sleep before he had to get up and get ready. Josh checked the time. 5 ½ hours of sleep. He groaned into his pillow and sat up in bed.

Josh was nervous, obviously. His fingers drummed anxiously on his knees. His electric kit was calling to him, but he got a lot of complaints from other tenants in the complex the last time.

Tomorrow would decide how he would live the rest of his life. And while he knew there was virtually nothing in his way, he was terrified the doctor would say no. He desperately wanted this, he wanted to stop wearing binders for way too long and suffering for it that night. He wanted to be able to breathe properly when drumming, he wanted to be able wear a tank top without the fear that someone would see, and question the weird fabric underneath. He wanted to be able to go shirtless in public, like any other guy. He wanted to like his body.

Josh huffed and went downstairs to the kitchen to get some cereal. On the way he glanced at the clock. 5 hours and 15 minutes of sleep. Well, after the cereal probably 4 hours and 45 minutes. Ish. Like, 4 REM cycles. Not enough. Josh shook himself and sat at the counter.

Josh was also worried about what Tyler would think. All of this was thrust onto him pretty quick, and he hadn’t even known what it _was_. Josh kept thinking that at some point Tyler would suddenly say, “Wait, this is pretty fucking weird, I’m out.”

Or something to that effect.

Josh went back to bed.

\---------------------------------

Tyler rapped his knuckles against the door 3 times.

**Josh jumped and momentarily pricked himself with the end of a needle.

“Shit,” he mumbled to himself, “One second!” He called in the direction of the door. Josh put the needle down carefully and wiped the small bead of blood pooling on his hip, preparing to re-sterilize the area.**

Tyler huffed impatiently and fumbled on his keychain for his spare key to Josh’s apartment. Tyler let himself in and kicked his shoes off respectfully, “Josh? I just let myself in, where are you?” He called as he began to venture into the small space.

“In the bathroom!” Josh called back. **He picked up the needle to try again, and heard footsteps coming his direction, “Wait don’t-“

Tyler opened the door, finding it unlocked, and immediately froze. Tyler’s eyes flicked from Josh’s face, to his pants pulled down at the hip, to the needle in his hand. Tyler’s brow wrinkled. “What are you..?”

“It’s probably not what you’re thinking, ok?” Josh said hastily, “Uh, give me a sec.” Josh quickly injected the testosterone and disposed of the needle in the make-shift hazard bin by his sink.** He gave the area one more sterile wipe and pulled his pants back up. Josh turned back around and saw Tyler still standing there with the same expression, seemingly having not moved.

“Uhm…” Tyler tried, finally looking back to Josh’s face.

“You remember when I told you I was doing other stuff to help all this, like hormones? That was testosterone, I take it every week through an intramuscular injection. Uh, in my butt, as you just saw.” Josh quickly explained. A look of sudden comprehension dawned on Tyler’s face, quickly shifting to embarrassment.

“Oh… OH, oh I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just barged in, I, sorry I didn’t think- sorry.” Tyler stuttered. Josh chuckled.

“It’s fine, I just didn’t want you to think I was on drugs or anything. I was running late which is why you caught me in the first place. I didn’t get so much sleep last night.” Josh confessed.

“Me either, to be honest,” Tyler agreed, “You ready?” He asked.

“Yeah, let me grab my shoes.”

Josh and Tyler got into Tyler’s car and backed out onto the road and began their 30 minute journey. Josh’s hands were shaking from nerves and excitement so he shoved them under his legs. Tyler noticed.

“Hey, bro, you ok?” He asked softly. Josh nodded, but didn’t reply immediately.

“It’s just, I’m excited, of course, but I’m also really nervous. What if it goes wrong, what if I can’t get the surgery?” Josh blurts out the fears that had been tumbling around his head all day.

“What is there that could go wrong?” Tyler asked sincerely. He still didn’t know much about this, despite his research. Josh sighed.

“Nothing, actually, I’m just over thinking it.” Josh took a few deep breathes and turned up the radio to distract himself. Tyler understood and didn’t say anything.

Josh was wrestling with his thoughts for a while before he blurted out suddenly, “So, like, are you sure you’re ok with all of this?” Josh paused, “I mean, I know it’s kind of sudden and there’s a lot going on now surrounding it and I just wanna make sure you’re not weirded out or-“

“Josh!” Tyler interrupted, smiling slightly. “Ok, yeah, it’s a little weird, obviously. Because it’s new to me, and I’m getting used to it. I’m going to be really honest here. It’s difficult to look at you now and not think about it. I still think of you as a guy, and as my friend, but I also think, ‘oh yeah, there’s that thing,’ only because I’m still wrapping my head around it. I’ll get used to it. And I want to get used to it quickly, because I don’t like being distracted by it. So, I’m ok with this, and I wanna be there for you regardless of all that, because you’re my friend.” Tyler rambled a little, trying to convey his point. Josh nodded for a moment, processing it.

“Ok, yeah, I understand. Thank you.” Josh finally replied.

“Of course, man.” Tyler and Josh fell into easy conversation after that, and it wasn’t long before they arrived at the doctor’s office.


End file.
